Essays

Controllers and disengagers really know how to mess up a family. Controllers are those people who must have their way. Disengagers let them have their way, but usually find a way to turn the controllers' triumphs into hollow victories. The controller says, 'It's my way or the highway.' The disengager says, 'you can have your way, but I won't let you savour the conquest.

Men are often, though not always, the family controllers. To a degree, they have a point. The mythology does make the husband and father, the family's leader, but he is not an arbitrary controller. Nothing in the scriptures ever suggests that a husband has the right to become a tyrant. He's not the Napoleon of the family. He is to love his wife as his own body. Controllers are arrogant, hostile, self-centred, demanding despots. God did not authorize tyranny in the family or anywhere else. The picture of headship that emerges in Scripture is that of a loving, self-sacrificing, considerate, caring, sensitive person.

While controlling is a destructive family relationship style, the same thing can be said about disengagement. Although women do not exclusively practice it, passive aggression is often the relationship style chosen by those women who are married to controllers. Like her controlling husband, a disengager will insist that she honours the teachings of the Bible concerning the submission of wives. She does not demand a place of prominence and usually doesn't get her way when her desires conflict with those of her controlling husband. Communication is important because families who can communicate find it a lot easier to discuss issues, problems and even crises when they occur. If you know how families work, issues and problems arise often.

Listening and becoming a better listener is important  because families need to understand each other and be  compassionate with one another. Communication patterns affect family relationships in a huge way. Family is defined as a social group having specified roles and statuses with ties of blood, marriage, or adoption that usually share a common residence and cooperate economically. There are two ways to look at interactions with family. There is communication between family members and among family members. Communication among family members involves communication of the family in its entirety. Communication between family members looks at each individual relationship.

On the other hand, a disengager has the capacity to effectively sabotage family unity. Suppose a decision is made to go on vacation that goes against her wishes. She may find a way to get out of going or spend the entire time, making life miserable for everyone else with incessant complaining about everything, from the poor food to the hot weather. Disengagers often conveniently forget, profess not to have understood, and procrastinate. They see themselves as victims of the controllers' treachery and they use the only weapons of retaliation available to them. Who wins the power struggle between the controllers and the disengagers? Nobody does. Everybody loses and when the battle is fought between a mother and father, the children experience the greatest sense of loss. From time to time, we all need to rethink our relationship styles. Do we practice controlling, disengagement, or more healthy patterns of relating?